Moving on...
- Cathryn Watters
- May 20, 2020
- 5 min read
The current situation with COVID-19 has put us all in unusual situations and been extremely challenging. My employment for the last 3 years, since my NMC experience, came to an abrupt end when the organisation, like many others, had to make the economic decision to stop all bank work ( permanent agency in effect ) as they redeployed staff and watched the impact of less patient referrals bed in.
The 3 years at LOC have been a god send, when I went back to work I was a shadow of my former self. I doubted my every move, confidence at an all time low and seemed to have lost all the built up knowledge and expert ability that I had developed over the previous 25years working life. The team there were patient, kind and supportive. They allowed me to gain my confidence slowly, never putting expectation on how quickly I gained my competencies and when I had a wobble were there to tell me I was doing OK. My blog "Lasting effects" explains this further.
It is in no doubt that If I hadn't had the job at LOC I would not be working again. There have been times over this 3 year period where I have made mistakes, I will fully admit, but the team have never judged and have helped me reflect, move forward and not retract into a shaking wreck that this process puts you in every time a minor event happens. Other staff members made the same mistakes, but for me I would automatically assume I would be back in front of the panel and off the register again - my team got me through it.
I am extremely fortunate - having supported many people post NMC I know such employers and teams are sadly a rarity.
I am also lucky that we have a business now that can support us financially so the urgency of needing to secure employment is less for me than it was in the first few months post NMC. The bakery is wonderful and allows me to use some of my nursing skills in so far as dealing with the public, but with all the security of no risk of referral!
I have to admit when LOC first told me and others that the work was to stop I was extremely sad, but I did understand their decision making. Having managed teams and services in my past life I was expecting the decision as it made perfect sense if the private healthcare provider was to survive during these challenging times. I have missed my colleagues enormously, the banter and the fun we had at work was unique - chemo units are not sad places - far from it.
In the last couple of weeks I have been looking at employment options as unsure of when the current situation will resolve and if I will be able to return to LOC in time. I find myself full circle and back applying for jobs - with a great deal of caution as that is how I found myself in the situation with the NMC - applications forms still put me in a cold sweat!!
A job application this week came with the dreaded questions " Have you ever found yourself subject to investigation by your regulatory body?" " Have you ever been removed from the register either through suspension or other..?" It seems that despite proving my worth in court and clinically at work, there is no escape from my history with the NMC. Unlike other professions that are not regulated, ours like those of other healthcare professionals is always, quite rightly, under scrutiny. I am 3 years on after my NMC experience but it never ceases to surprise me how having to explain what happened still affects me and I truly believe that the listener is thinking " no smoke without fire". My immediate response was to not bother applying - what's the point... ?Then a quick shake and I did it but wanting to give every minuscule bit of information to show the reader how wonderful I am ( !!) to now having sent in sufficient information, including the court judgment that will hopefully suffice and allow them to read between the lines.
The Fitness to Practice process is foremost to protect the public but the reality is one section of the public is not protected from on - going harm and distress - the nurses and midwives - who have to pick themselves up and move forward. I am lucky - I am no longer dependant on working as a nurse - but I want to work as a nurse and that is a very different power play. There will be some out there in the same situation as I am not feeling confident enough, or secure enough to be able to tell the whole story for fear they won't get "that job" - is this dishonest? I think not - it is survival - however the NMC will see it as dishonesty and there lies the CATCH 22 scenario. So we must be honest and open at all times but if that means never being able to work again there is no recourse...
I have always been prone to self - doubt. I think any nurse or midwife will most likely tell you the same. But it is most certainly heightened now having been through FtP.
I have always been prone to depression but it's been controlled - now I have days when I have to force myself to get up and wade through till it passes.
I never had panic attacks before FtP but now I have moments, usually at night, where I can't switch off, my heart races and I worry constantly.
I have always cared for others - my need to do so is every stronger now as I know how easily others actions can lead to devastating effects to you. But I do so with a pause where I previously would race in.
I never contemplated doing anything other than nursing - the thought of not nursing terrified me and made me lose my sense of self. Now 3 years on, it doesn't scare me - there are always other options - I am more than "Just a nurse" . In a strange way I thank the NMC for that - it's a bizarre process but it is where I am now - stronger and here...
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