Limbo of Lockdown

As we enter the 4th week of lockdown the reality is certainly hitting for everyone.

My experience of the COVID-19 crisis has been quite protected for which I am immensely grateful. I work in a private chemo unit, on the bank there and as we prepared for the impact of the crisis we were able to do so without the immediate terrifying first hand experience that our colleagues in acute care were already experiencing. We observed patients having their treatment options changed and difficult conversations pursued in so far as stopping treatment and the implications this may have as well as the "what if" conversations should our patients experience complications during this potential threat to their health which was already compromised and at risk of infection. As a few patients tested postive, staff became ill or had to start shielding, contingency planning got underway with the multiple units and staff in our wider organisation restructured, amalgamated and pooled. Inevitably this meant that as a bank nurse, pause was pressed and we were "no longer required" on the unit whilst they established their staff to patient ratio's and the wider implications of non patient facing staff needing to be found work. There was great debate about this decision making in the bank team, with inevitable disappointment but personally having worked in managing units in my previous life, I had seen it coming and was indeed surprised that it actually hadn't happened sooner. There was option of working in the wider group of the company at sister hospitals / units. But for me personally I had chosen that unit to work at following my issues with the NMC because it felt safe for me to rebuild my clinical confidence and for me I don't feel working anywhere else would feel as safe. On previous occasions when I have had periods of not being able to work, it has felt rather scary and panic has ensued as the primary wage earner how we would manage, this time I felt rather relieved. In the week or so before the decision was made to pause us as bank nurses, I had found myself in a dilemma going to London to work, when there I wanted to be back home holding my family safe away from the COVID risk and when at home felt I was not doing my duty and should be at work doing my bit. Constant dilemma.

Week one: relieved at not having to make the decision about whether it was "essential" for me to go into work or whether I could indeed stay at home. Focus was on the children, helping them cope with a new routine. I had to learn how to balance my irrational anxiety that everything they had learnt at school would be forgotten in a day because of my lack of teaching qualifications and try to replace it with rationale thoughts that time together was just as beneficial and keeping calm was the lesson of the day. Our bakery became extremely busy, with old customers stepping up their orders and new ones found us on their daily allocated exercise walk around the village. I was left thinking "I don't have time to work..!!" Feeling quite energised, sleeping really well at night and getting up early in morning with lots of energy - that hasn't happened in a long time. Planning all the jobs I can get done now I am home and all the others I can get Andrew to do - woo hoo!!

Week 2: Bakery so so so so busy definitely no time to work! Continued efforts to try to get kids to do homework, chasing ants came to mind as no sooner had I got one sitting down to concentrate on work set, than another disappeared to their room for vital Minecraft lessons so whilst dragging them down to the kitchen to continue with homework, the other disappeared and so it went on until the only option was to sound like my mother "you're only letting yourself down...!" By the end of week 2 - kids were getting nocturnal and we were pleased for the peace and quiet during the day whilst they slept, pleased for argument free time and no need for us to entertain them or shout at them to do homework. Some jobs done - feeling positive. Still lots of energy and enjoying doing stuff in the garden, lots of walks and generally all those things a busy life gets in the way of. Feeling a little guilty for not nursing through the crisis I applied to NHS Nightingale - if you are going to do it you may as well really do it...

Week 3: completely given up on schoolwork, 4 kids is too many to homeschool... we'll pay for private tuition when they go back! We are now feeding the whole of the village it seems via our honesty box, pop up shop, home deliveries and collections - who needs work!!! Telephone interview for NHS Nightingale - oo gosh quite scary but excited at the same time - will be such a unique experience. Surprised at how quickly the days are passing but it is becoming a bit like ground hog day - get up load dishwasher, try to kick kids out of bed, unload dishwasher, put some washing on, try to get kids up, help Andrew in the bakery, start shouting at kids to get up and remove bedcovers whilst they sleep in the hope it freezes them out!! The kids are taking self isolation to the extreme and are likely to self combust if they go out in the sunshine if it goes on much longer. No jobs done - energy levels dropping badly, too exhausted from trying to coerce kids out of bed.

Week 4: sleeping during the day has become the norm, kids are shouting at me to get up.

The stats on the numbers of healthcare professionals losing their lives to COVID is quite terrifying and whilst I still have the dilemma that I "should " be doing my bit, I am secretly very relieved that Nightingale haven't asked me to start yet, the local NHS bank haven't been in touch and my chemo unit haven't gone back on their decision making to cancel all bank shifts. Lockdown is a bizarre place, when I have had enforced time at home in previous years, either through illness or NMC, the injustice of not having any control over being "forced" to be at home has left me angry and ready to start shouting. However this enforced stay at home is different, it's a relief fundamentally but does feel rather fraudulent almost. The weekly "clap the NHS" is fantastic but I find myself hiding - I'm not working and can hear a commentary in my background muttering behind me "that's really naughty - how can you - oh but I don't blame you - you've done your bit for 30 years - they haven't looked after you so now you look after yourself - you really should - no don't worry about it you're a mum, don't risk it etc etc ( or maybe I just have a personality disorder!!!)

Everywhere is eerily quiet but also very beautiful. I am noticing the countryside around us more, the wildlife is gorgeous, I am actually having conversations with people that have passed by previously without acknowledgement on previous months and I am amazed at the support the bakery is getting, it's wonderful and a new excitment to see our family business growing more so than ever before.

However, as lockdown continues, and the more time we have the less we feel like doing, the list just gets longer, I seem to have started having little siesta's on the sofa, leading to staying up late but still waking at silly o'clock in the morning. Motivation is at an all time low but I make myself do things hoping that it will kick start some spontaneous energy burst. I'm bored of cleaning - but to be honest I'm not doing a particularly good job as it, conning myself that I've been soooo busy when in reality chucking the hoover round for about 6minutes and moving a few dishes off the side!

So all we can do is go with it, I can't reassure my children when it will be over, none of us have a clue but I can be confident in the fact that they will never again ask for a day off school again - small mercies...